Mooching Family Members


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budroe
10-14-2006, 12:07 AM
I hope I'm the only one on this forum who has family members constantly asking for loans (or just outright gifts) of money. I have several siblings who have made a career of pestering myself and my two younger brothers to help them financially. Now I even get notes from my offending family member's kids asking for financial help. We have two sons in college (as everyone in the family knows). All my brothers and sisters own their own homes. They all have steady jobs. A couple of them make more than I do. Still they act as if I don't have the same kind of bills and debts that they have. Its gotten to the point that I don't even want to see them while I'm in the states, and avoid even talking to them on the phone. I don't know how my two younger brothers can stand it, they both live in the states full time, and rarely travel. I've been blunt with them (to the point of getting ugly) several times, but after a short time, they start up with the same old thing. My wife is a very caring person, and feels we should help everyone (that really doesn't do much to help MY image with the family).

For those of you with similar problems, how do you cope with this kind of mess??

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Turtlenapper
10-14-2006, 02:32 AM
budroe, Boy do I have them :down:

Just last week my cousin asked me if I could loan her
$5,000.00 I told her NO.

2 days after that a friend asked for $600.00 I told her NO.

I have them coming from everywhere. The word is NO NO NO . . . .

I can't believe some people.

lead
10-14-2006, 06:50 AM
My wife was seriously injured a little over a year ago. There was a lawsuit, and a settlement. Once some members of the family found out she got her money, they were calling all the time. It really stressed her out. An uncle told her "You just need to grow some balls and learn to say no." He has a way with words;)
I helped all I could, some have quit calling, but some, like Budroe mentioned, come back after awhile.
The other thing she has had to deal with is family trying to get her to buy more expensive things then she needs. She really feels like some of them are jealous and want to see her go through her money as fast as she can.
By the way, that uncle's other favorite line is, "You need some John Wayne toilet paper. Rough, tough, and won't take no s**t off nobody."

Saunders
10-14-2006, 06:51 AM
The best thing we ever did was move 250 miles away from them 30 years ago.

As we "matured" (for lack of a better word) we just got better at saying NO especially those that wanted to use our home as a free hotel as they were on their way somewhere.

Turtlenapper
10-14-2006, 08:00 AM
Well the cousin lives in a near by state and is selling her home here
for the money. Well I asked her why she is selling the house here and
she said that she needs the money. So they have it on the market now.
This was all done after I told them No.

I know that they are going to need a place to stay when they come into town but it won't be at my home. There is 7 of them. I don't have that
much room to take them all in, and won't do it.
I can't take that much noise anymore.

Nes
10-14-2006, 09:04 AM
I think there is at least one in every family. :( :( :(

Barkley
10-14-2006, 09:16 AM
When I lived at Myrtle Beach relations I hadn't heard from in years got in touch to "stop by and visit" for a couple days. I gave them the name of a nice hotel, at the other end of the beach.
The sad thing is there are some people who think they have it worse than everybody else and you've just got to help them. Just keep saying no as forcefully as needed. My son got in deep with his 2 room mates and had his power cut off since they hadn't paid anything in 3 months. He called me the first time in weeks asking for money. I lent him 2 camping lanterns. It took them 1o days to get power back on.

Saunders
10-14-2006, 09:19 AM
I think there is at least one in every family. :( :( :(

How I wish it was only one.

I think we are producing "black sheep" family members at a higher rate than ever before.

Gringo
10-14-2006, 09:38 AM
LOL, I don't have a problem with this. They all know if they need money I have 20 cords of hardwood to split with a dull axe and pay 5 bucks an hour and furnish all the water they can drink. :D

MaidMarian
10-14-2006, 09:56 AM
:funnypost

bob winfield
10-14-2006, 10:47 AM
Fortunately I didn't have that problem with family, we moved 3000 miles away, had the moochers from the church we belonged to.

OFallon
10-14-2006, 11:12 AM
I haven't spoken to my brother for probably 25-30 years for that very reason. My daughters know better. I have no other family. My wife's family are intimidated by me and I get no requests from them... and then, Kathy would have none of it, either. What very few friends I have know better.

Tom Gunn
10-14-2006, 12:03 PM
You just have to cut these people loose. I made my own way, they have to make their own way, on their own. Period. Assuming they have had equal opportunitities they can do it, as I have. It's not your responsibility.

Nes
10-14-2006, 12:07 PM
You just have to cut these people loose. I made my own way, they have to make their own way, on their own. Period. Assuming they have had equal opportunitities they can do it, as I have. It's not your responsibility.

Good reply. :up: :up: :up: :up: :up: :up: :up: :up: :up:

Antlurz
10-14-2006, 12:25 PM
Wait till you are on a fixed income and your kids are making more in a week than you make in a month, yet they still come..

Ron

Nes
10-14-2006, 12:56 PM
------------------------------------YEP---------------------------------

Mine don't but I know some who do.

BigBore
10-14-2006, 01:18 PM
.... Assuming they have had equal opportunitities they can do it, as I have. It's not your responsibility.


Even IF they haven't had "equal" opportunities, I'd still throw the bums out. It's rude, crude, and very tacky to continually bug someone for money especially after they've been told NO the first time.

If you're the type that can't say "NO", then I'd suggest that when you do loan them the money get a promisory note from them and/or collateral in the event they choose not to pay you back.....and the likelihood of that happening is probably about 99%.

t driver
10-14-2006, 02:28 PM
How I wish it was only one.

I think we are producing "black sheep" family members at a higher rate than ever before.

:clap:
I's really kind of scary.

Turtlenapper
10-14-2006, 03:27 PM
I'll be glad that when my mother's estate is
over with and all the court bull.

I'll be changeing my number to a private number and
noone in my family or Gray's will be getting it.:up:

We had thought about moveing and not telling anyone
but someone would find us.
Now if'n I could get Uncle Veto to put us under ground
and not tell that would work. :lool::lool::lool::psycho:

Barkley
10-14-2006, 04:03 PM
If a friend or family member is in need that hasn't been brought on by their own stupidity I'll give them a helping hand. I think of it as a hand up, not a hand out. Those requirments have been met twice in the 30 some years I've had my own income. There are other people that I like and respect I'll help in limited ways on limited ocassions. I don't give money to other people and I'm choosy about my charities.

PS: My definition of a friend is VERY narrow. I feel blessed to have 3 true friends outside of family.

BigBore
10-14-2006, 04:06 PM
...PS: My definition of a friend is VERY narrow. I feel blessed to have 3 true friends outside of family.

A "true" friend is very rare and hard to come by for everyone that is honest about it.

jimfox
10-14-2006, 10:29 PM
I hope I'm the only one on this forum who has family members constantly asking for loans (or just outright gifts) of money.

I've been blunt with them (to the point of getting ugly) several times, but after a short time, they start up with the same old thing.

For those of you with similar problems, how do you cope with this kind of mess??
budroe - same as you. Just got to be steady.

I had a request the other day that most folks wouldn't believe - but you just got to hold steady.

Popeye
10-14-2006, 11:17 PM
We did. He doesn't ask anymore. He won't talk to us anymore either.

rinavy
10-15-2006, 01:47 AM
My solution was to be the family underachiever! "Don't ask him, he doesn't have two pennies to rub together!" wear the same clothes to every family function, make sure they all hear you say things like, "You have bacon AND eggs?", "Hey, Alpo with lots of ketchup's not bad!", "Hey, did you see the all the great stuff in the 'Dollar Store' ad?", "You mind if I take yesterday's newspaper home?", "Wow, you guys use 2-ply TP ALL the time?"

Popeye
10-15-2006, 01:51 AM
:funnypost

tony pasley
10-15-2006, 03:30 PM
I sent them to Aunt" Helen Waite"

budroe
10-15-2006, 07:08 PM
I don't mind helping a family member or good friend who I FEEL is really in need. I just think we get hit on sometimes so the moochers can stay in practice. I have one brother and sister who would try to borrow money if they had just won the lottery. If it wasn't so depressing, it would be funny!!!

jimfox
10-15-2006, 09:27 PM
I don't mind helping a family member or good friend who I FEEL is really in need. I just think we get hit on sometimes so the moochers can stay in practice. I have one brother and sister who would try to borrow money if they had just won the lottery. If it wasn't so depressing, it would be funny!!!
Neither me. How-some-ever, I've had relatives drop a load on the bonds of kinship, and then wonder why the bonds are then strained. The last occassion was a request by an ex-in-inlaw to contribute to the legal defense of someone I didn't even know. Fortunately I don't think they'll speak to me again.

Fuelburns1
10-15-2006, 10:25 PM
I've had times when I was really tight and I never asked (never will) for money. I cut back to one meal a day, stopped driving for anything other than work, didn't go out, completely lowered my standard of living to bare minimum and it was amazing how quickly I paid off my enormous debt and accumulated a significant cash reserve. Now I'm slowly getting closer to buying a house every month. :D

I feel that what most people who ask for money really want is help maintaining the standard of living that they can't afford to live. My youthful stupidity got me into trouble and I learned a great lesson in money managment making it right. The people you are complaining about seem to be avoiding that lesson because they find enablers who allow them to persist in their ways. I have them in my family too. They know better than to come to me for money.

BigBore
10-15-2006, 10:43 PM
.....I feel that what most people who ask for money really want is help maintaining the standard of living that they can't afford to live. My youthful stupidity got me into trouble and I learned a great lesson in money managment making it right. The people you are complaining about seem to be avoiding that lesson because they find enablers who allow them to persist in their ways.....

That sir, is the exact dynamic of that type of situation....excellent observation.

Rookie_Rover
10-16-2006, 05:34 AM
I love my mom, but she is the worlds worst to borrow money and forget where she got it. I have a little consideration when times are hard and the cards don't fall in your favor, but just poor money management is no excuse. I have stopped lending out money unless there is a reasonable piece of property she is willing to leave with me until she pays me back. And, for the same deal, if I am short on cash, I give over a peice of my stuff for "security".

Some call this too formal for family, what they fail to realize is, for all intents and purposes, I have very little financial loans out to her, while on the other hand, she owes me around $3000 I'll never get back. So, to keep either of us from losing more money, we just play the bank system. It works, and I recommend it to most folks.

"Oh, you need $50 to last the weekend. Hey, I have always admired that Maglight you have, it cost about $50 or so, right? Gimme the light, you get the cash, when I get the cash back, you get the light back!"

On a side note, I got a NICE knife this way. ;) ;) ;) :D :D :D :D :)

Popeye
10-16-2006, 03:21 PM
:D

Bobby
10-16-2006, 09:51 PM
Dayum,and it aint even Halloween yet!
I know the spirit most of you are posting in.
My Father always told me ,help when you can.
And he meant it, meant it in such a way as be careful,some would take very unfair advantage.
I only hope to be able again to help a few,really in a healthy and productive way.
This is not as black and white as I would like it to be.
Some that I have helped have scorned me recently,dayum .
I mean it,seems they run frum you.
This move I am attempting,it could take me to 30 mi north of Seattle,to middle of Tx,or sum uther SW state.
I know no one,and it is so bad with me ,I do not even want the relocation money up front from a co.may blow it and wind up paying it back.
We do need each other,it stinks at tymes to ask fer help.
I know most here would help when ask,real help when some one is in a real bind.
I want to be able to help,right about now its hard to do my own stuff.

budroe
10-17-2006, 07:56 AM
I think its not unusual to find that the people who come to you for help the most often, are often the hardest people to find when word gets out that you're having problems. Once in a great while when you're in a real bind, you're offered help by someone you would never have thought of. That has happened to me once or twice in my life, and the offer (and the caring behind it) meant much more to me than the actual help itself.

Rookie_Rover
10-17-2006, 08:01 AM
Well said! It isn't hard to find a ton of friends when times are good and money flows like water out of your pockets. But you do weed out who is a friend and who isn't when the money dwindles away and bills pile up!!!!

jimfox
10-17-2006, 06:53 PM
Long time ago (when $5 was "real" money) a fellow told me; "He11, I'll lone anybody $5. If they pay me back, why then I helped someone out. If they don't pay me back, why then $5 is a cheap way to find out their character."

By and large I expect that is a good general rule for both family and non-family.

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